Okay, you’re newly single and you took the plunge. Unfortunately, you’re stuck with the proverbial bad date. And, in Hawaii of all places!
Your date is an eager beaver and about as much fun as a root canal or water boarding. Dammit, you’re supposed to be on a dream Hawaiian vacation, not feeling morose and beating yourself up for putting your dating profile up on the Internet.
Some people need 50 ways to leave their lover. I can help you get the job done with just 7 ways. Time to jettison this turkey.
First, you must carefully plan this daring escape.
First, find out some basic but essential background information about your date, then consider fun Hawaiian activities that will actually be turn-offs for him or her. In addition, look for special weaknesses, medical conditions, and other psychological problems you can exploit.
1. Terror in the Tunnel of Love
If your date is claustrophobic, insist that you go together to the Kahala Flumes if you’re on the Big Island. This popular vacation activity involves mostly riding in a kayak though pitch-black, musty, tight and narrow underground concrete channels. Interesting Hawaii fact: The over 100-year-old flumes once supplied fresh water to the sugar cane plantations in the region.
So, you blissfully float through three miles of the system, relishing the streams, waterfalls and other natural wonders you’ll see. At the conclusion of the journey, you’re chilled and relaxed; your date should be in a full-blown panic attack. (Hey, that rhymes).
2. Looking for Love in All the Tight Spaces
Looking for another fun, but claustrophobic Hawaiian activity?
Rip a page out of the Hawaiian history book and go on a captivating tour of the USS Bowfin Submarine Museum at Pearl Harbor. Find out what it was like to live and work in a World War II sub, also called the "Pearl Harbor Avenger.” Interesting cool Hawaii fact: The historic sub sank 44 enemy ships during World War II and the Korean War.
Today, the Bowfin is a national historic landmark where visitors enjoy tours year-round. The 10,000-square-foot interior boasts a large array of artifacts, including recruiting posters, battle flags, and exhibits.
At the end of the tour, you will feel amazement and an ardent sense of national pride. Your date should feel nauseous and vomit into the nearest garbage can, in between gasping for air.
3. Time to Get Piggy with It
Okay, suppose your companion is Vegan or Vegetarian. Where is the last place they want to be? No, not a slaughterhouse. You guessed it - a Hawaiian luau. Just the thought of a pig cooking and smoldering in a traditional underground oven should have his or her stomach churning and burning.
But there’s more. Demand that you both go on a hunt to kill the wild pig before the luau, insisting that you need to know who your dinner is and where your dinner came from. You also can claim you need that spiritual connection with the pig before you consume it.
Wild boar hunting on Oahu is an important part of native Hawaiian culture. The meat is traditional Hawaiian food and continues to be a popular choice at meals. We’re talking about deletable Hawaiian cuisine like smoked pork, wild boar sausage, and boar sandwiches.
In 1768, Captain James Cook brought the first European boars to the islands. On Oahu and other islands like Maui, wild pigs often roam where residents do not. So don’t expect to see them in Waikiki or Lahaina.
In Hawaii, wild pig hunting is traditionally done by using dogs and a knife or spear. The hunt involves a tenacious group of braddahs completing their mission by gleefully stabbing their prey to death as blood squirts into the Hawaiian sky. After this, your date will not be in the mood for any luau food. I guarantee it.
The hunters may let the pig bleed out and then probably snap selfies to post on social media. Just think, you, the dead pig and Mr. or Mrs. Right could go viral!
If some of the blood splashes on your date, great. Even better, the pig attacks or chases them through the area, resulting in deep bruises, bites, and possibly broken bones.
Tips for defending against wild pig attacks include screaming like a child, wetting your pants, climbing trees, and beating the pig with bare fists until help arrives. An experience like this should put an end to any budding relationship and even a one-night stand becomes totally out of the question.
4. As the Stomach Turns
Suppose your date has a sensitive gut, food allergies, or intestinal problems. There are plenty of ethnic restaurants across Hawaii that serve the kind of fire-breathing Hawaiian cuisine that can singe the tongue, sear the gastrointestinal tract, and literally put a real fire in the belly. (Think Ben Stiller in the dinner scene in Along Came Polly).
Whisk your date to the Kickin’ Kajun - “Hawaii's 1st Cajun Seafood Restaurant” - in Honolulu. You can even BYOB it with a bottle of cheap wine and/or a six pack of beer.
Loverboy or lovergirl will be sprinting to the bathroom after grubbin’ on cuisine like spicy shrimp, crab, gator, and frog legs. A hearty helping of Cajun Wings will no doubt send them over the edge and out of your life.
5. Shake Your Groove Thing in a Cage
If the previous strategies fail, try a night at Rumors, a popular Honolulu nightspot where an older crowd listens to 80s and 90s dance music, shaking their groove things in cages overlooking the dance floor.
Make sure to wind up in a cage where you can shake, shake, shake your booty, and gyrate like Beyonce or Bruno Mars in overdrive. If you have a cocktail, make sure to shove the umbrella sticks up your nose. It’s a definite deal breaker.
Among the many features of the Bishop Museum in Honolulu is the J. Watumull Planetarium, which features stunning recreations of the night sky courtesy of a state of the art video, sound, and lighting system.
More important, it’s a great place to jettison a bad date. As your star-stuck companion is transfixed by the show, you slip out unnoticed. When the lights come on, you are nowhere to be found! The 70-seat planetarium has programs for all ages, in addition to special exhibits like Stars and Guitars and NASA’s Earth Observing Mission.
7. The Art of Faking Your Own Death
If the aforementioned fun Hawaiian vacation activities don’t work, there’s one final way to get this person out of your life - forever. You fake your own death.
Remember, you don’t want anyone to find your body. We suggest going to a desolate beach, waiting for your date to visit the porta-potty, and then making your companion think you went for a quick swim - only to be swept off to sea and most likely eaten by sharks.
You could also make your date think you fell overboard during the Pearl Harbor Arizona Memorial Tour ferry cruise or persuade some locals to tell him or her you were incinerated by a lava flow on the Big Island.
Try any one or combination of these Hawaiian activities and you will once again be footloose and fancy free - free to enjoy that Hawaiian vacation you planned before Mr. or Ms. bore-me-to-tears came along.